I Am Empath-What Is A Good Friend?
My best friend Robina is the shit. Let’s just start right there. Everyone needs a Robina in their lives. I wish I could duplicate her so that each of you has your own Robina.
As a matter of fact, I just screen shotted the above paragraph and sent it her on whatsapp just to let her know how much she deserves a trophy for being the best possible human being in the whole world. Her response was, “Do you think normal people would find our friendship unusual”?
Yes, I do think most people would not know what to do with a healthy friendship. What are the reasons we choose friends? Do we choose them to simply validate and approve of everything we think and feel? Do we choose them when they can hold pain for us on days we can’t? Do we choose them because they honor the way we secretly sabotage our own lives?
The truth is, most people choose friends because they want to feel safe at all costs. We choose friends who keep our egos safe and intact. We choose friends who keep us “exactly as we are”, without the need for that scary thing we call “change”. We choose them to validate our need to stay comfortable in our sameness. That’s the ego’s job- to keep us safe.
The ego’s job is not, however, to encourage emotional growth, provide courage for change or a space for spiritual expansion. Can having a good support system in a friendship help us not just feel “safe” but expand our awareness and prepare us for necessary life expansion opportunities? Well, it truly depends on why we choose our friends.
As a child, I would ponder endlessly on what makes a good friend. As a rather unusual, unpopular 8th grade child my list looked like this:
- A friend who sits by me at lunch and maybe would share if I forgot my lunch money. A friend who would give away her carrots for my ice cream. (I was the oddball who hated ice cream and preferred veggies);
2. A friend who would share my odd taste in music (and perhaps would not judge my secret crush on Robert Smith from The Cure);
3. A friend who would deal with my eccentricities in the spiritual world (I had a spirit guide follow a friend into the shower once, but only to warn her that she was about to pass out); and
4. A friend who would tell me when the newest clothing or makeup trend I was attempting to display made me look like a circus clown just hit the disco dance floor.
These days, the reason I choose friends seems to be much less simple but also, in many ways much the same. Here is why I choose Robina:
- She is a friend who sits by me as I nourish myself and would share her support if I forget who I am. She freely and generously gives away healthy advice in exchange for me releasing unhealthy habits that hold me back.
What I mean here is that Robina doesn’t allow me to get away with self sabotage. It’s a very unhealthy habit that doesn’t allow for healthy growth. I come to her to vent, but she redirects me into positive, solution oriented, healthy advice that gets me away from the whining and moving towards the change necessary to grow.
In other words, I’m not looking for someone to whine to just for the sake of whining. I don’t need someone to hold my pain. My ego will tell me this is what I need, but I don’t listen to what the ego says I should want in the friendship. My best friend knows what my SOUL needs. She knows that my SOUL wants someone to push me into reclamation of my own power.
In order to facilitate a return to my strength and power, she is actually ruthlessly dedicated to shooting down my ego and returning me to a healthy solution. She loves me and loves herself enough to outright say to me, “Ok, I love you. You’re whining. Let’s look at the solution instead”.
2. My friend understands my unusual tastes in EVERYTHING. From music and food to clothing and books, my friend just “gets” me. And strangely enough, our playlists look remarkably similar, not just in music but in life.
3. My friend sees my spiritual eccentricities as my greatest strength. My spirit guides love her just as much as they love me.
We got to the point actually, where we began to share spirit guides. This shocked us both but it’s quite convenient if you think about it. Imagine being able to say, “You wouldn’t believe what my spirit guide did to help me today!” to your friend without getting a raised eyebrow or without them proclaiming that you’ve lost your marbles. It becomes quite hilarious (and comforting) when the guides say the same thing to each of us.
4. My friend tells me when I’m considering doing or saying something irresponsible or outright dumb.
Truly, don’t we all need a friend who can be authentic and stop us from making ridiculous mistakes that don’t serve us? What I’ve learned from my friendship is that she’s not here to keep me safe. That was my inner 8th grader’s friendship list. She’s there to push me out of my comfort zone, to validate the way my SOUL needs to be (not what my ego says I should be) and to help me find a more healthy version of the word “safe”.
My list may have changed a bit since eighth grade, but my soul’s needs haven’t. I wrote this blog today simply to let Robina know how grateful I am for her. If you have a Robina in your life, please go let them know how grateful you are today. If you don’t, it may be time to re-evaluate your friend “list” for what your soul needs and let the ego release the wants.
Learn more about Pamela Aaralyn here
Robina Dhindsa is a powerful and influential speaker, shaman and yogi. Learn more about her here
